I am a machine

I loved someone...once upon a time. I didn’t know that I loved him until he broke my heart. He broke my heart more than once. More than twice. It happened over and over again. I sat by and let it happen, I watched as though it were happening to someone else. Fuck me while you're breaking my heart. Leave me while you’re breaking my heart. Come back and knock on my door and see if I’m strong enough to let you in to do it all over again. Trust me, I am strong enough.

I am invincible. I am a machine. I’m a fucking, sucking, story telling machine. I’ll tell myself any and everything so that I believe the words as they fall from my mouth. I’m a soul sucker, a non-believer. I can do anything and most of the time I do. I have less to lose than the typical person, and especially less than the typical girl. In my mind I lost everything a long time ago. I don’t really remember when… I don’t actually know if I ever really had anything at all. I came from a place devoid of a belief system. It was always about survival. If you truly want to survive you have to let go of your beliefs. They will only taunt you and drag you down. Can I get naked to support my daughter and myself? Yes, I can. Can I convince myself that a man loves me so that I don’t feel alone anymore? Yes, I can. Can I snort/smoke/swallow these drugs to make it all go away? Oh yes, yes I definitely can.

Don’t get me wrong, I have truly loved. I have truly lost. I’m obsessed with loss. I sometimes think that I love just to lose. Because that’s what I know. A sure thing? No thank you. That’s much too easy.