Can't Stop

So there I was, making dinner, drinking beer and listening to my iPod. Alice in Chains comes on… there was something about the buzz that I was feeling added to the smell of tofu stir-fry… I suddenly found myself going back years and years. To a time that I barely remember (not for lack of trying). I found myself in the middle of a slow motion memory… and then it hit me - - it wasn’t a memorable, happy time at all that I was reminiscing about. It was when I was stripping. 27, 29-30, and then 31 years-old. Good times? Not so much. But there was something about it… every time I hear an Alice in Chains or a Soundgarden song… Red Hot Chili Peppers, Fiona Apple, Cardigans, Stone Temple Pilots, Garbage… too many to name, really. But I remember my “sets.“ Basically - - any time I'm buzzed and I hear "my music," I think back to this time. It wasn’t a great time in my life. But wasn’t the worst time, either. How can that be? Shouldn’t I be ashamed… shouldn’t I feel regret? I simply don’t. It was the only time in my life that I was in control of situations that were far beyond my control. I understood it. I knew why those men were there… honestly, they were there for the same reason that I was. They were lonely. Who was I, and who am I, to judge? What a way to connect… it was awesome. It was drunken magic. It was daylight outside - - but the second they walked through the front doors it was instant night. Instant hot girls (ok, not always, but keep in mind, it was dark!), instant fun, instant anything they wanted. Where else can you go for something like that? I still remember so many of the other girls… what their favorite songs were… their lucky dresses, favorite shots to have before they went on stage. And I was one of those girls. I truly was. I was Trina. And then I was Nadia. I talked to men I didn’t know. I took off my dress for them. I smiled, occasionally. I had a great time. And when the great time stopped - - I stopped. Three different times I left, and two different times I went back to eventually move on to something else. I went from being unemployed to winning amature night and on to events that would change my life, over time. Some good and some horribly, horribly bad. It all happened and I was there, for the most part, to witness it. And I won’t apologize.